I’ve been neglecting my blog. I can’t really say whether its for a good reason or a bad reason because I’m feeling extremely indifferent today.

You know that feeling that you get when you think about an ex. An ex that you’re not really over. The feeling is light and airy but it’s not pleasant. It’s kind of like being on a rollercoaster but you don’t know when you’re coming up or down. You’re just in the middle of it and it’s unpleasant.

I haven’t felt this way in awhile and it’s delightful to even be able to say that. But here we are again.

I find it hard to explain to people that I’m doing fine and don’t want to be with him when I still feel this way. To me this feeling isn’t my heart, mind, or body yearning to be with him. It’s more disappointment in myself than anything else.

Disappointed that Ive had my arms open to all the disrespect and childish behavior that comes with him for the last four years.

I know how important it is to not beat yourself up after a break up, whether it was your fault or not. But I do believe it is important for me to capture how I’m feeling in writing so I don’t return.

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Anxiety & Other People

Why is it so hard to explain anxiety to other people? I feel like I do a pretty good job of communicating my thoughts and feelings, especially when I’m having an attack but people just don’t get it.

When I first started experiencing anxiety I was in the fourth grade. Every summer from then on, I spent a little too much time inside my head thinking about the end of the world or my own personal death. I wasn’t involved in any extra curricular activities so that allowed me to just go there. I don’t really know how I started fixating on that but it just kind of happens. Just like when you get to that weird part of Youtube. You just keep clicking stuff and suddenly you’re watching a 2 minute clip about Bob Saget and his relation with North Korea. You’re just there!

Eventually my anxiety started coming to the surface. I was managing it.. or suppressing it well enough till my sophomore year in high school. My mom was bothering me about my grades and it just kind of happened. I thought I was having a heart attack actually. My chest started to tighten up, my arms were numb, I couldn’t breathe, I was going pale. In my mind I was dying. It was awful.

I sought out therapy sometime after that. I made a point to let my doctor and therapist know that medication was something I did not want to turn to. **Mind you, this was a personal choice for me. I have nothing against prescription drugs I just really wanted to try everything I could before having to use them. ** I learned some breathing exercises, talked about my family issues, figured out what puts me on edge and also what makes me feel calm and relaxed. I went to therapy for about 6 months and it helped me out a lot.I haven’t returned since, but there are times in my life when I probably should have.

My anxiety fluctuates and I feel like that’s pretty normal. I have my own personal triggers like going to the doctors, thinking about death, being late, etc. Sometimes I’m just on edge and other times I’m having full blown faux heart palpitations and trying to get a handle on my breathing. It really just depends…but the good news is that I know how to deal with it.

It’s 2017 and I still feel like people don’t understand what it’s like to live with anxiety. As much as I hate/love social media, I think it has definitely played a part in normalizing the whole thing and simply warping it into something it’s not. In my friend group I don’t have to explain myself because we all suffer from some form of anxiety. I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to others but when I start to date someone new or have been involved with someone for awhile, it’s kind of something that has to be talked about.. or at least I think so.

My problem is that people I’ve dated in the past have two responses to my anxiety. They either don’t know how to deal with it and don’t want to talk to me about it because they don’t understand it. Or they are on the opposite side of the spectrum and think they’re going to be my savior. And it’s not as literal as it sounds but I have to simplify it for the sake of your attention.

So of course the latter is obviously an issue. I don’t know what it is about other peoples anxiety that makes everyone so uncomfortable. It’s such a natural thing. We (the people who are experiencing it) can’t ignore it. So having to be with someone who would rather look the other way is damaging. This is something my ex (W) would do and I eventually confronted it. He said that he didn’t know how to help me and it made him feel powerless so he didn’t like talking about it. Sounds like a personal problem dude. But all bias judgments aside, the best thing you can do for someone with anxiety is to be there and listen. Be available to lend an ear or to just physically be there. And no this isn’t you saving us. This is just you being a good person, friend, or partner.

The reality is that our partners and friends must realize is that they do play an important role in helping us through these episodes, moments, panic attacks, etc. You are appreciated and you can help us, but pretending it doesn’t exist or feeling that you are the end all to all bad thoughts is definitely not the route to take.

Mood

it was nice, while it lasted this pressured hope this fake belief it’s a loss but it all comes out in the wash / a year (a year!) i believed it’d be you a year of falsity and naivety banking on made-up glances fleeting and empty foolish drunken thoughts and nighttime walks misconstrued confessions and […]

via it all comes out in the wash — daughter of atlas

 

23 and time to stop!

What Keeps You Up At Night?

Usually it’s some awful WebMD bullshit I’ve stumbled upon about cancer or aneurisms. I suffer from migraines but I need to face the fact that it’s usually self induced. I’m a hypochondriac though so what do you expect?

Lately I’ve had a hard time sleeping because it’s a weird time to be me. I started this transition a couple months ago and things were going well. I’ve reached my final year at my local junior college and from where I’m from, that’s a big deal… it’s not hard or anything… people just get stuck there. But I made it! There was light at the end of the tunnel.

School was never difficult for me. I just find myself feeling passionate about something new all the time so picking a major and sticking to it was rough. And of course I started with nursing as a major. If you’re from California please laugh because who hasn’t done this!? But alas, I found a major and I stuck to it. I planned to leave my job as an esthetician at a waxing chain. I told myself I was going to start doing things for me, putting my life interests before my mediocre job. I was doing the whole self love is wealth thing. But life doesn’t go as planned. But we know this, we ALL know this.

I guess things started getting weird when my grandmother’s health went downhill. She eventually passed which was inevitable. I’ve found some peace in the situation but I’m just not there yet. Losing her wasn’t enough to derail me but it was definitely the start. I got a lot of love from friends, clients, but not enough from the person I was dating. I went through the motions of grieving with everyone but him. But I didn’t really feel like it was weird. Or at least I didn’t want to.

Aside from my grandmother I’m not close to anyone in my family. But that’s for another blog post. I find comfort in my friends and especially the people I’m dating. I had been on and off with my boyfriend W for almost four years. It wasn’t a lifetime but long enough. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I would’ve noticed the signs prior to two weeks ago but then you don’t grow.

I’ve been up at night because we recently ended our relationship for the umpteenth time. I couldn’t tell you how many times he left me for the same reasons in the past. I could probably type it up and read it as a monologue at my local poetry slam. The feelings of betrayal, confusion, and inadequacy hit me all at once. But again, this wasn’t my first time. I felt everything as much as I’ve felt it before but it was all expected. I can calculate what will trigger me and when it will happen. I’m coexisting with it and tending to it as a pet because it’s routine and familiar.

I don’t have intentions of returning to that relationship, but some recent research has lead me to believe that I was dating a narcissist. If you know, then you know. I’m slowly coping with the acceptance of it all but my mind doesn’t stop. I could easily compare thoughts about my break up to a fly buzzing around in my room when I desperately want to ignore it and sleep. It demands your attention.

So I guess that’s why I can’t sleep. It’s disheartening having everything planned out, but I guess that’s the issue with planning around others. Is it wrong to assume that people are going to stick around? Or should I find true reality in being pessimistic about the longevity of individuals in your life? What about you? What keeps you up at night?

 

Disclaimer/ First Post

I guess this is an appropriate time to get into what this is all for…

I started writing recently to give myself some peace of mind. To allow myself to fall asleep and rid myself , or at least try to, of having any unnecessary nightmares or uncomfortable dreams. I wrote to get out any thoughts and emotions that were bombarding my mind at 3:00 AM. It is important for everyone reading this to know I have an amazing support system of people I can talk to about everything I’ll be posting. However, it is important to note the fact that when you’re having an existential crisis at 3 in the morning repeatedly for weeks, sometimes months, on end…. you need to find a new outlet.

So here I am. I don’t know for a fact that this will bring me the peace that I need. But I do know there are things I want to get off my chest and release into the internet. Writing in an old dollar tree notebook will only suffice for so long and I need to be able to look over these thoughts and feelings tomorrow, next week, next year even, and not have to worry about decoding whatever chicken scratch I produced from the overcast light of this weeks Game of Thrones.

….So enjoy my personal growth and demise!

 

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